Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
