Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
