Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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