i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
