the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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