I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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