I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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