Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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