a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
