My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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