he shaved USA in his pubs
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
