Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
