She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
