Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
