I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
People with herpes should wear stickers.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
