sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
