i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
