My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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