Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
