Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
