then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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