guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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