Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
