My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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