Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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