The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
