i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
