He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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