My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
