Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
