oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
