My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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