our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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