Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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