mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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