I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize