is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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