sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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