Will you blow on my dice?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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