If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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