PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
