new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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