fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
