If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hippo gnu deer
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
