Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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