I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
