Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
