there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
