I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
