True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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