Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
