I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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