Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
