He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
