Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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