things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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