Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
