Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
