My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
