apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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