I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
