did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
